Where do I start?

Were do I start? I know a lot of you have been checking the blog for updates. I feel so lost. When I start to think about everything that has happened and try to put it down my mind goes in a hundred directions.

I got a call early morning on the 23rd. The crazy thing is I knew what it was before I even answered it. I had just finished feeding my baby when the phone rang. My dad said "I have no easy way to tell you this but mom is gone." I cried this awful cry that I have never heard before, I guess it was more of a scream. I told dad I would be on my way. I packed as quick as I could but even then I felt lost. I am very grateful to have such a in tune husband. Before we left he asked if he could give me a blessing. I don't think I would have made it through the week without his love and support. We decided we would wait and tell the kids a little later. There is a spot on the rim were we stop to play in the snow, let the dogs out or just let the kids loose for a while. Ryan and I decided to stop there and tell our children. That was one of the hardest parts of all of this. My poor kids they love her so much. There poor little hearts broke, they cried so hard. We didn't think Katelee understood, she just stayed quiet. Just as we were leaving she started crying. She wanted to know if that meant that her grandma couldn't hold her anymore.

From the minute we arrived we had so much love and support. I am now very grateful for that. At first when everyone kept coming I just wanted to lock the door and be alone with my family. My dad said Char these people loved your mom to, they need to come. This is how they will heal. After that I truly enjoyed everyone of you who came by. It was a pleasant distraction and I loved hearing stories and memories of my mom. She loved and touched so many.

I don't think that any of it was easy or will be easy. We went to the mortuary the next day to get going on things. When we went in to pick out the casket that was a hard decision. Becky and I kept saying none of them looked like mom. When we finally had a good cry Brett led us in the right direction. I can't help but think my mom was there pointing us in the right direction. Brett said look she loved wood work and she always made dad line everything in cedar. There was the most beautiful cedar casket. As Brett said there will never be another like it with the same grains or knots. That was a easy choice. There will never be another like her.

My good friend Kahtleen (thank you) kept my kids that day so we could get everything done. After picking my kids up from her house we headed to my dads, It was so quiet. Mason said look a rainbow. I swear there wasn't a cloud in the sky but this rainbow was so bright and stayed so long. Mason proceeded to say Grandma loved rainbows maybe she sent it. Tears just feel. I felt her so strong. We told our kids that grandma could see us, and that she wanted them to know she was still with us and that she loved us.

From the minute I received the call I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head. It's crazy because in talking to Becky we had a lot of the same thoughts. I remember thinking right away please let me be strong enough to dress her. I remember my mom telling me how hard it was to dress her mom but how grateful she was that she did it. I also remember thinking I wanted to be able to honor her like she did her mom but I didn't think that I would be able to do it. As for the viewing and the funeral what great support we had. My feet and back hurt so bad by the time we got home from the viewing.

The day of the funeral it was pretty surreal. I think I kept myself pretty numb most of the week, I don't think I could have done it any other way. I hope Brett and I did mom justice with the life sketch. We had so much to say and not enough time. As for everything else I was truly moved. The Smiths did such a beautiful job. Aunt Geneva and Aunt Verlyn I think you made her proud. Thank you Uncle Larry for your wonderful talk. Even our little ones did so well honoring there grandma. To my cousins so sorry for the crazy mess we had you all going through, but I do think it was worth it, you guys sounded amazing(thank you Belinda for finding the music). That last song when the congregation joined in I felt the spirit so strong. Thank you Bishop and everyone in the ward who made such a hard day run so perfect.

The week went by so fast but yet so slow. My first night my little boy cried his self asleep in my arms. After I put him to sleep I laid there so mad. Mad at all of this ,mad that I started to believe the doctor, mad that I talk to her every day sometime 3 and 4 times a day but the only day I didn't call and tell her I loved her I would never get that chance again. Mad that the Doctor didn't come and pronounce mom so they were having to now do a autopsy. Mad that they let her lay there for so long. Mad I didn't listen when she said, we need to get 4 generation pictures done with Grandpa and Tess. Mad that she's not going to be here to do all of my girls weddings. Mad that I took so much for granted, that I didn't learn to make her panoch or that I didn't learn to crochet like her or sew like her. So much I still need from her. Sometimes I feel so selfish, because it's all about me and what me and my kids need.

Brett, what can I say he was amazing through all of this. The way he reminded us to be strong and kept us on task so that we could honor our mother the way she deserved it. When we went to pick out flowers for the funeral, we already had so many and there were still more orders coming in but Brett always gave my mom Lilies and Birds of Paradise and wanted to give them to her one more time. I loved that. When we were working her life sketch we wanted it just perfect and Brett worked day and night making sure it was. He has always been such a good son and brother he always wanted to take care of mom.

Becky and T.J. are responsible for that beautiful video of my mom. She spent many hours making sure it was just perfect. She kept track of everyone of you and everything that was brought by the house. I want her to know that she is stronger than she thinks she is. I want her to know that I am so proud of her.

My dad is hanging in there. I am and have always been grateful that he is not afraid to show his emotion. Dad loves mom so much, she was his best friend. He didn't really ever date anyone but her. I worry about him. The mornings are hardest for him, but he keeps his self as busy as he can. I just wish he was sleeping better. I will be here for a couple more weeks, I think he will be ready for me to go. He is so strong and I know he will hold us all together.

As for all of our better half's. I really don't know where to start. This has been just as hard for them as it was for us. Thank you Nick for being so great. I knew you would make it through the song. It was beautiful. I feel like I have such a good bond with you. Mark thank you for always putting up with my mom's demands! Thank you for honoring her with that beautiful family prayer. Ry thanks for finding all the fun pictures and always keeping it light. Thank you for also honoring her with the opening prayer, mom loved you all and shared many special memories with you.

Kent and Kay. Thank you for making sure we were alright. Thank you for driving all day to be here for us. For loving and holding your grand kids. You will never know how much that ment to me.

I'm grateful to have been able to listen to conference this weekend. It seemed like all the talks where meant for us. President Monson said it perfect nothing is as constant as change and that we must all deal with change. Some are welcome some are not. The changes in my life and yours are only in the details. Time stands still for know one. We all have to continue to march on. This is our one and only chance at mortal life here and now. The longer we live the greater our realization is that it is brief. Among the greatest lesson that we are to learn while we are here is the difference between what is important and what is not. I loved this quote, "You pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays." There is no tomorrow to remember if we don't do something today. There is no going back but only forward. Rather than dwelling on the past we should make the most of today. Stresses of our lives come regardless of our circumstances we must learn to dell with them. But we should not let them stand in the way of what is most important to us, the ones we love. All to often we assume that they know how much we love them, but we should never assume. It is all to easy to take some one for granted until that day when it's to late.

I'm sorry I said I couldn't think straight. This has been all over the place. There is so much more I would like to write but I think I have gone on long enough. I apologize for the misspelled words and the bad punctuation, I wish I were better at all of that. Thank you everyone for all of your love and support. It's amazing how many people I haven't seen in so long and got to visit with. We are so grateful for FAMILY AND GOOD FRIENDS. Thank you for all of the food, flowers, love, support and especially thank you for all of your prayers. We do feel them. Please continue to pray for all of us but especially Becky. She is having a really hard time with all of this and with her health. I am grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation. I know that christ suffered and died so that we can all return to live with him again. I am grateful that I was taught by both my parents right from wrong and I pray that I will do my part so that I might live with mom again. I am grateful to be a member of this church. I am grateful to have had my mom here with me for as long as I did.

I did get some great advice from so many people. So for now I think I will continue to hold my kids close and take it one day at a time.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I received that awful call. I MISS HER EVERYDAY.